you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
