Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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