he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
