oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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