but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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