did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
