This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
