I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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