Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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