You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
