His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
