I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
