Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
