Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
