I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
