You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
