you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
