I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
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