I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
