Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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