stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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