I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
