A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
