woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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