She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
