My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hippo gnu deer
Are my feet made of real feet?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
me + whiskey = a bad person
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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