I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
