ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
