This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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