So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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