This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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