Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
