Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
