I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
