I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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