I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
