My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
