"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
