he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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