My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We're too hungover to prance.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
