I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
