i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
