I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
someone owes me an orgasm
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
