Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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