I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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