I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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