And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
