she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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