I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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