Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
someone threw a dead crab at me
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
