You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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