i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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