apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
