I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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