if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
