Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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