It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
