when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
