Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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